A manager of the Lion wants to turn the world of football upside down

ARIES
For him: don’t you realize that cutting your nails on the balcony at night is annoying? You hear everything. Then one thing is once in a while: but you Aries, every night you use a clipper that makes a bestial noise. Sorry to make this observation to the male Aries, usually the most educated of the zodiac. Also because the other nail should never be touched. But every now and then you do. For her: the phrase “Pirandellian yours” in a love letter can drive the Aries woman crazy. She will ask herself: “But what does it mean?”, “Is it perhaps a farewell?”, “Or rather the opposite, a confirmation?”. Usually, the Aries woman, after thinking about it, sends her beloved an SMS message: “Pirla!”. Depending on whether it is a sign of Air, Earth, Water or Fire, he replies: “You are ugly!”, “I didn’t know how to get rid of your presence”, “understand immediately! Wakes up!! I love your friend, wake up!!”, “let’s talk calmly tomorrow! But I would say: enough”.

BULL
Why don’t you buy a villa on the shores of Comacchio? They are wonderful. Gorgeous women on the beach, fabulous food, it’s all there. I advise you to contact Tommasi case, the surveyor Tommasi is a television legend. Every now and then he does a promotion for a zodiac sign (which however also applies to the others) with the slogan: “We’ve been waiting for you for fifty years!”. Mr. Tommasi convinced me, I went to the lido degli Estensi and immediately found what I was looking for. A few meters from the sea, independent meter, possibility of subletting (also to Arabs). Cellar for curing salami without the Nas knowing about it. Unless someone snitches. But I don’t think. Then they inspect all the cellars, not just mine. Is it worth it? Let’s not wake up the sleeping dog.

TWINS
Usually equipped with a “periform” shaped head, the Gemini man is an imposter. As a hobby he likes to watch pigs collapse. In order not to cause unnecessary suffering, the fair trade pig farmer has his scrotum reversed. The beast collapses and is ugly to look at. However, apart from this biodynamic aspect, before following up with the execution, he calls the Gemini males who clap in amusement like when they go to the circus and the dromedaries fall to the ground. On the contrary, the Gemini woman loves to give the deposit to rent a house on the lake, only to not go there and lose 2,500 euros. Every year the same story. Some of her relatives urge her not to do so: nothing to do. She has been losing deposits for years, she is estimated at hundreds of thousands of euros. But she is happy with it. And also her boyfriend who can’t stand her more than a couple of hours a week. While on vacation together…

CANCER
As holidays together both he and she prefer to combine sea and culture. A must-see is the museum of the poor moron in Genoa. Inaugurated for the 500th anniversary of the discovery of the New World, the museum of the poor moron is the second most visited after the Uffizi. Not all visitors are Cancer. But all Cancers (both male and female) are visiting that place. Undignified to tell the truth, but still worthy of respect. For employees only, if it closed… they’d be on the street. Recently the new director of the museum area invented the “humanist pavilion”. Actors impersonating morons who disturb visitors. But that’s what Cancers like.

LION
The idea that will turn the world of football upside down comes from a Leo FIFA executive: a super league where the teams all have players of the same zodiac sign. The historical names of the football clubs are deleted, replaced with the names of the zodiac. This revolution will soon involve all the federations, so we will have Sagittarius teams of volleyball, handball, basketball, hard end shooting, soft tug of war, 4×400 relay, etc. We have known (for some time now) that some job search ads expressly require, e.g. “Aquarius wanted for debt collection work”, or “Corporate concierge job offered, welcome female Libra”.

VIRGIN
For her: have you ever tried to taste your dog’s croquettes? So how do you make a judgement. Try it: they will certainly be unpleasant to you and you won’t taste them anymore, but at least you will have a certainty in your life. Which I unfortunately don’t see. Both for work and for love. I never thought I’d make such a negative prediction, but my friend, whoever is causing her pain cry for himself. Not bad for Virgo males. On the contrary, this week is decidedly positive (except for those four losers who are always present in all zodiac signs). Your boyfriend is madly in love with you and vice versa. Your holiday at the Saturnia spa will be the most beautiful ever experienced, so much so that the waiters at the Saturnia hotel will say: “We have seen many couples, but who love each other like those two never did. Stuff to keep them here as permanent guests at the expense of the municipality, which will see the invoice arrive without its knowledge”.

BALANCE
They also like to go to museums, they change one every week. This time it’s the turn of the former Porto Azzurro prison. The writings on the walls of the prisoners are beautiful, even with dates dating back to the Phoenicians. The Libra woman who for reasons of age was unable to enlist in the Ffaa (before it was not possible) likes to visit the former abandoned military district of Bologna, rummage through the abandoned boxes to browse the matriculation sheets of the recruits (including anthropomorphic dimensions) and then head to day at the former military psychiatric hospital in Isernia. Here, among the piles of overturned files, she finds objects used by “crazy stars”, erotic comics from the 70s, photos of American showgirls with very normal breasts, amulets that these individuals put in their underwear.

SCORPIO
Finally found the body of Aesop thanks to a Scorpio archaeologist. It was folded in two near the dam of the Vanga (province of Milan) which blocks the canal grande, scientific discovery of the year the body of the “favoliere” was in excellent condition. To the point that some exalted wanted her to mate with a volunteer who, however, was not found even among Pisces who are notoriously inclined to this type of crap. Aesop’s universal exposition will not be such, but in order: in Beijing, Belfast, Nanjing, Civitanova Marche, to then remain on a permanent basis in Cornaredo (MI). The European competitions for the architectural structure that will house this find are already at stake. It remains to be seen whether we can put it in the Pnrr as an expense. I don’t think there are any problems from Brussels.

SAGITTARIUS
Finally the body of Pliny the Elder turned up yesterday. This Roman historian was from Sagittarius. And the first written horoscope, preserved in the Brera art gallery, dates back to him. Only Sagittarians and their relatives can see it, even if they are pederasts (which was not possible before. However, when entering the question “are you a pederast?”, you answered “no, imagine!”. And you entered even if you were) . I would like to point out that the body of Pliny the Elder is not in Brera, but that of an ancestor of his. However you go there to admire the first horoscope.

CAPRICORN + AQUARIUS + PISCES
Unfortunately for you this week no finds of bodies or anything similar. Or rather, something jumps out. A Capricorn going mushroom picking enters a cave and finds a coffin (already washed and dressed). In the coming weeks we will be more precise and I will give you an account of what kind of find it is. For Capricorn woman: you love to stretch out on the tables of the public canteens where you are reduced to having lunch. At least realize that it’s possible to go back to being the employee you were, as long as you stop with the bottle. Then sorry, what has changed, you’ve always been drinking! Because you quit, no one was complaining. On the contrary, when you were drunk you were more available and courteous (at a working level) with your colleagues. Aquarius for him: I told you not to go downtown Milan with your Fossil model F35 (cost 350 thousand euros) on your wrist. View? Nothing happened. I was wrong. I thought you were being robbed. Better this way: I’m glad I was wrong. For her: I told you not to go on the subway in Milan with a handbag that looks like the blue fairy’s. In fact, they pickpocketed you. Or is it as I think? That is, you claimed to have been but in reality it is not true. You just fell in love with the ATM controller who caught you without a stamped ticket. Fish for her: vacation in Norway? It is not the case given the wind that she draws. Stay at home, take your bike and go for a walk around Villa Litta. Here you will find love, another unemployed like you. Is it convenient for you? It’s useless, you always do it your way. Pisces for him: your weekly horoscope is equal to Leo. Only difference? He’s happily married to a blonde Gemini, you get by with a Sagittarius twenty-five years your senior. That’s fine, you twenty lei 45… but we’re not like that… love is love.

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• Maurice Milani

• Born in Milan on May 20, 1961. Real name: Carlo Barcellesi. Graduated from eighth grade at Camera del Lavoro of Milan in 1985, evening course with limited number. After the military he works as a kitchen boy in a hotel. In 1987 he finished last in “Riso in Italy”, an important competition in Rome for young people. He appeals and wins. He has an eviction but does not recognize the sentence. He has been collaborating with Il Foglio since 1986 thanks to the director Giuliano Ferrara. He is engaged to Monica.