Wrong loves, how to survive men who submit or who disappear after one night
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“Image not corresponding to reality, non-existent, illusory, pure product of fantasy”. This is how the dictionary defines the term ‘ghost’. Yet, sometimes even men become like ghosts or evanescent, ready to disappear even after just one night together, leaving behind women who feel pain, suffering and deep disappointment.
Stories collected by the journalist Cristina Calzecchi Onesti in the book Ghosts. But who said you have to kiss a toad to find a prince (Porto Seguro Publisher). They talk about women who got stuck in wrong loves and who chose to entrust their disillusionments to the author, but above all the many questions, which she tries to explain the psychotherapist, Dr. Fabio Norcianeurophilosopher.
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A wrong love
There isn’t a particular age or condition that makes women more exposed to the risk of wrong love. It can happen to anyone, even regardless of their cultural and economic status. Claudia, for example, tells the author of her history of submission to a dentist (who treated her children) and who seduces her shortly after her separation. Already from the first meeting, it is clear what cruel game he forces her into: “I gave myself up like a hunting trophy to the predator of the night, who slowly made me his slave. He had discovered my innate propensity for submission. Love in rooms full of mirrors, the photos in indecent positions, my intimacies uncovered, the ever more pressing request for menage a troisoutdoor intercourse between people, exaggerated sodomy, were her handcuffs”, writes Calzecchi Onesti telling Claudia’s story.
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Identities violated
The woman went on like this for three years. Then she tried to rebel when she realized that her children were also in danger: “She called me at any time of day or night, checked where I was, passed by my house, waited for hours outside my job. She violated the password to my private emails, wrote and phoned my ex-husband to let him know what a perverted nature I was really made of,” the story continues. Having reached the limit, Claudia decided to turn to the police but she was unable to file a complaint, remaining a prisoner of that sick love.
The narcissistic personality disorder
What problems does a man who behaves like this hide? “It is an individual who masks a lack of self-confidence with a dominating attitude and to compensate for his lack and recover value he uses the women he meets”, replies the psychotherapist and neurophilosopher Norcia.
“In this case the compensatory domination takes place in the sexual field through a game of submission that involves the humiliation and suffering of the woman. The man who meets Claudia suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder, one of the most frequent among ghost men” .
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This disorder, together with a lack of sensitivity to the wishes and needs of others, often results in a tendency to exploit and manipulate interpersonally. “Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder – continues Norcia – generally choose fragile women who do not believe in themselves because this makes it easier for them to realize their need for supremacy”.
Claudia ends up becoming a victim precisely because of her fragility, aggravated by the fact that, like most women, she is convinced that even men feel sincere feelings of respect and love. Instead in most cases they encounter ghosts.
Instead of running away, become aware
As with all personality disorders, it would be necessary to make this man aware of his problem in the hope of being able to cure it with psychotherapy. “I am convinced – continues Norcia – that, as in all personality disorders in men, the contribution that could come from the women involved is fundamental, in this case from Claudia, once she recovers her value and has a clear picture of her partner’s illness.
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From toxic love to ghost
How to recognize a wrong love? “It is very difficult because often the harassing man masks and hides the total lack of respect for women with a great capacity for deception by pretending to be very present, available and loving”, explains the author of the book.
Everything changes when they become self-confident and can reveal their true nature by dominating and unfortunately sometimes morally raping their partner: “That’s when the problems begin and often these men who have made the relationship toxic become ghosts because running away is one of the typical reactions of this type of men in the face of difficulties”, adds Norcia.
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When to ask for help
Therefore, the man who will then make him suffer is not always recognized, but there are some signs to pay attention to: “If the relationship generates dissatisfaction or even suffering – concludes Norcia – this is already a sign that something is wrong and the The woman should ask herself who she is really dealing with. She should try to understand if her partner’s behavior is normal or if it is not the case to contact a specialist for help”.
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