Heat tips have been the same for years – it’s time to update them. Crazy decalogue

We are in the hottest week of the hottest summer ever: but as Woody Allen says in “Destroyed Harry” about the Holocaust, “records are made to be broken”. Obviously there are also those who remind us that it was always hot in the summer; but I suggest drinking plenty of water before speaking and not denying global warming during the hottest hours. In this regard: one of the aspects that make these very hot anticyclones so unlivable are the tips for dealing with the heat. This year, in addition to those of the experts (always the same: both the councils and the experts), the Ministry of Health was keen to issue – trumpeting them – also its own, official ones; which are nothing more than the usual advice from the usual experts, all united in a single government decalogue. They range from hydration to the consumption of fruit, from dressing lightly (“light and breathable”) to the reduction of salt and fat. In other words, they are the same advice they gave us when the record heat reached was a few degrees lower than what we are experiencing this year; And on the effectiveness of which we could open a debate – except that it’s too hot to start a debate. Last summer in Europe there were over 61,000 deaths attributable to the heat: could they all have been dehydrated and dressed warmly? Is it not rather that these advices, of indisputable common sense, are however completely inadequate to deal with such heat waves? As if we wanted to empty the sea with a coffee spoon; with the addition that the sea is made of sweat, and the coffee spoon being made of metal becomes hot under this sun.

It’s time to adapt the advice to the temperatures we are experiencing, because they no longer have anything exceptional: this is and will be the norm also in the summers to come. First of all, it is important to keep yourself in air-conditioned environments, with air conditioning that respects the cold chain. Once you are sure of this, sprinkle yourself with all the salt you gave up during meals. Anoint yourself with olive oil, place a clove of garlic under the tongue, and rub a sprig of rosemary all over your body, taking care not to neglect the most critical points – under the armpits, inner thighs, behind the ears. Dressed in this way, soak in the bathtub for three hours. Only then will you be ready to leave the house and face the heat, paying attention in the street to rotate continuously by turning on yourselves. Also, keep a tray at waist height so as to collect the liquids that will run down your back; squeeze half a lemon into it, and occasionally brush this emulsion on yourself.

After a while the sticky sensation due to the humidity should be replaced by a more pleasant crunchiness. In the evening, at the end of the day, lie down next to a salad or potatoes, fried or baked – both procedures can be obtained by placing the potatoes properly peeled on the sill of a window exposed to the sun. Obviously this procedure – the duration of which may vary if you are in Rome (43°) or in some inland areas of Sardinia (45°/47°) – requires that, after marinating and before leaving the house, you insert a skewer that goes through your mouth to the rectum or vice versa (whatever your entry hole is and consequently your exit hole is at the discretion of the individual): even if the practice may appear invasive, the sensation of coolness that one has as soon as the cold metal enters the inside of the own body.