Don’t worry, 2023 will be the worst year ever. The Lover’s horoscope fixed

Let’s start with a recent news story, now habitual: an elderly woman remains on a stretcher for six days in the hospital box. She can’t find a bed. The health management very frankly says: “There is no room for everyone. In 2022 we had chosen not to welcome those of Sagittarius … in 2023 it’s up to Aries “. I’ll answer del Toro (cusp): “Friends! By now we have understood that public hospitals are for the employees of the facility and their relatives. Evidently the elderly lady (Elvira Tirex) didn’t know anyone… If it happened to the wife of the prefect or the bishop or the sister of the quaestor or the aunt of a chief physician, the bed jumped out. So the excuse of excluding a sign of the zodiac from public health every year, a choice shared by me, does not stand”.

Having made this premise, let’s start with the signs and what the new year will be like. I’ll say right away: among the most negative since Paolo Fox achieved a 35 percent share on Rai 2, he boasts and makes this consensus weigh upon him. To the point that even the great Michele Guardì dares not say anything to him. He should be kicked out of public television, share or non-share. Superstitions shouldn’t have a platform that goes to predict the lottery numbers on some commercial TV. Or are we afraid to offend? Be that as it may, this horoscope, and only this one, has had the approval of NASA, the American space agency, which knows about the future.

ARIES
An excellent bill from the Italian government will undoubtedly be implemented in Brussels as well. For now, the Aries are the beneficiaries. Then it will be extended to other signs (excluding Sagittarius). Here it is: anyone who owns a Tesla and wants to buy the new Alfa Romeo Giulia 2.5 cc diesel takes a contribution for the scrapping (of the Tesla) of 15,000 euros. The new oil-powered Giulia costs 36,000 euros (seats always heated by diesel). As a spin-off law, diesel at the pump passes at 0.5 cents per litre. Which is why it’s worth it. What are we waiting for? May the Arabs invade us because we no longer buy petroleum derivatives? But we’re not kidding!!! Shall we screw up a system that relies on fossil fuels?

BULL
Another very beautiful leggina, always on the proposal of the Meloni executive. Those of this sign who have installed solar panels on their roofs receive the contribution to dismantle them. They are not obliged: who wants. The contribution is ten thousand euros for each square meter of photovoltaic panels thrown into landfills. This law too will soon be transposed throughout the Schengen area. As for other things, love, travel, etc., read Valkyrie’s horoscope on the website www.valchiriastanga.it (which is always me).

TWINS
For 2023, a mass layoff of those under this sign is expected. Agreement signed by CGIL, CISL and UIL valid for the food sector, the pharmaceutical sector, the thermal sector (masseurs and mud collectors), engineering and metallurgical. Sorry to cut two million jobs but a choice had to be made. Better to kill (economically) those of Gemini than Virgos, notoriously less stingy and therefore willing to spend their entire salary and get into debt unlike the twin who tends to save, therefore blocks consumption. We are not in the former USSR.

CANCER
(Both for her and him) horoscope valid over 50 years. You will receive a notice of appearance from the Trani prosecutor’s office. They want to question you about various incidents. Results unrelated to the facts. But in the meantime they make you waste half a day. Everything to make the trattorias and hotels of Trani and nearby towns work. If it’s any consolation, this prosecutor has sent injunctions to present themselves to: Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Icardi and Wanda, Bill Clinton and Hillary, the governor of Florida and Alabama. If they don’t show up in Trani at the fixed time, their passport (even diplomatic) will be taken away, so it’s best to avoid trouble and show up. And go and stay in a hotel that they tell you.

LION
Many of this sign (about 95 percent) will be taken to asylums. Since there is no structure in Italy that meets these requirements (because of the wicked law 180) the only country in the Union where they are still operational is Hungary. It’s easy to end up there in the Danube area. It is useless to appeal to the European Court of Justice. Both vaccinated and No vax of the sign of Leo, in 2023 they are imprisoned in asylums, modern complexes designed by Fuksas with health workers with unhealthy sexual tendencies. But being civil servants you can’t fire them. Being that the Communists defend them.

VIRGIN
The most brutal crash in the history of finance hits these wretches. Losses on real estate and shares, bonds, postal bonds or goods (such as bullion) in the order of 100 per cent. Basically you lose everything, something never seen before. Not even in ’29 in New York. Some Virgos to avoid this “default” will try to go under another sign, trying to bribe the registrar. Who gets (rightly) corrupted. Just change the month of birth forwards or backwards. Forewarned is forearmed. Start now to go to the demographic offices of your municipality for this crime. Who comes first … needless to say that without more money you will be left by your girlfriend. In the case of girls it is different. Certainly some will be rightly abandoned by the beloved. But we are around 5 percent of all girls under this sign. On the other hand, for Virgo men, abandonment by his partner is one hundred percent. Unless she’s also a Virgo. If necessary, throw yourself into the Po. The river has regained strength after the historic drought so it is still very suitable for those who want to end it (this also applies to the other zodiac signs). But first I’d say think about it. There is no going back.

WEIGHT SCALE
The tremendous snowfall at the end of winter (early months of 2023) rightly broke through the roof. Repairing it is not worth it. Seek hospitality in the convents of the area, they are huge and all empty, with now elderly friars. There’s a vegetable garden and everything. The only disposition of the ecclesiastical authorities is to make you friars or minor tertiary abbesses with a quick course of Latin (5 hours) and fundamental precepts of the monastic order to which you are going to belong. But the game is worth the candle. The only thing is that you have to go to bed at 19.30 and wake up at 2.30 due to the rules that order imposes. For the rest you can do what you want. Even playing for money between brothers. Always with the permission of the convent manager, who is usually a former mayor under investigation and then acquitted for abuse of office. The habit of drinking is a consequence of this stress, it is tolerated. The cellars of the convent are full of cured meats, cheeses, wines and grappa. Someone had to kill them sooner or later.

SCORPIO
The right to strike for those of this sign is abolished. Both male and female staff. They are excluded from civil life in the following areas: sports (sailing, tennis), university (sociology, electronics), culture (they cannot participate in television quizzes), crafts (Scorpios are forbidden to work in the dairy sector, buffaloes, cattle…). Elderly women of this sign are barred from going to the station. In fact, they usually don’t go, their son goes… who usually doesn’t understand anything. Although it is a painting by a well-known company (Leonardo, formerly Finmeccanica). Still within Scorpio, about 93 percent of such individuals will experience pickpocketing in the year ahead. This crime will be suffered in Milan in the Brera area at the same time as the theft of works of art in the pertinent art gallery. And they will blame you just for being a Scorpio. The real criminal thieves, on the other hand, are all Aquarius gangs (at least that’s what they told the investigators, but it’s doubtful: they don’t have documents or anything else that certifies such statements that are undoubtedly false and worthy of praise).

SAGITTARIUS
You will end up asking for charity along the avenues of your city. In the case of people from Romagna, on the seafront of Viserbella (Forlì, Cesena, Rimini). How this moral and economic collapse was possible is a mystery. To make you deserve the dignity you maintain in begging, without pretending or being harassing. For this you will be beaten by a paramilitary mobile battalion, recognized yes and no by the commissioner, which in any case helps to maintain public order. Some of the Sagittarians will be reduced to semi-slavery and used as Enel base men, a job that has now disappeared and that no one wants to do anymore. In my opinion they are wrong, the average salary of a good Enel man-base is around 75,000 gross.

CAPRICORN
Sorry to say but the horoscope of these wretches (excuse the term but I’m a Capricorn too) is the same as those of Leo. The only change is that Capricorns can no longer enter cinemas or theaters both as spectators and as workers. This is to avoid engagements between different ethnic groups. Ex: go to the cinema to see the remake of “Gone with the wind” and meet a confederate. She says nothing to you and you marry her. The omelette comes out later, but it’s too late now. Better not to create conditions for the first meeting.

AQUARIUM
2023 for these subjects will be the best year of their lives. Let’s just say he’s the luckiest sign of the zodiac ever. Sure, some Aquarians will fall on hard times. But there is no valid forecast for the entirety of the oxen park. We are only sorry that a bad custom persists in Lombardy, that of asking strangers “excuse me, what sign are you?”, “Aquarius”, “you’re a fool!”. Which would have been the same for any other sign… There will always be rude people. But in Lombardy it seems that they say “you’re an asshole” only to Aquarius. If you answer differently they say “thanks for the information”.

FISH
Bad year. The worst since the unification of Italy for such subjects born this way. Beat yourself in the street just for being Pisces. What has never happened to any other zodiac sign. Mocked and humiliated, kicked in the bingo halls, they will hide in the mountains around Nuoro waiting to be able to embark for Spain, the only country that does not persecute them (in 2023). In fact, once the year is over they will once again be considered people worthy of esteem and respect. But not before. For this attitude Spain will suffer a sanction from the European Union. Here is the motivation: “We must standardize our behaviors, habits and customs. If in Parliament in Brussels we have decided to make life impossible (for the coming year) for Pisces, we see no reason why Madrid does not follow such orders. Yours sincerely. Happy New Year! I don’t think Catalonia will secede. If so, make do. Hello! Happy New Year again.”

• Maurice Milani

• Born in Milan on May 20, 1961. Real name: Carlo Barcellesi. Graduated from eighth grade at Camera del Lavoro of Milan in 1985, evening course with limited number. After the military he works as a kitchen boy in a hotel. In 1987 he finished last in “Riso in Italy”, an important competition in Rome for young people. He appeals and wins. He has an eviction but does not recognize the sentence. He has been collaborating with Il Foglio since 1986 thanks to the director Giuliano Ferrara. He is engaged to Monica.